Because the boys kissing on the cover remind him of his first kiss.
Because he thought anal sex is a type of pagan worship.
Because his wife was “too pure” to try it.
Because he noticed a rainbow on a child’s shirt at the Sunday service.
Because his daughter said she wanted her best friend’s mohawk.
Because his son tried to paint nails with his wife.
Because his wife holds hands with her best friend more than him.
Because “if there were Muslims in this town,” they would be offended, too.
Because he doesn’t know that the kids hacked internet filters and watch porn.
Because he can’t unblock them himself.