It was a beautiful night. A little cold, but beautiful. That’s what he told me, it was beautiful, okay? And she was out there, walking, working – this hooker. Not as beautiful as the night, he said, but not a dog, either. A little banged up, seen some things. Blonde hair – it has to be. Body was perfect, but the face needed some work, you know what I mean?
Anyway, he was hungry. He could be a real headache, you know, if he’s not fed, but this girl, she was there. Prime. Perfect. Did I mention she was perfect? Unfortunate she’s dead. Terrible thing to happen, but he’s here, making me do these things.
I say, “You can’t do that!” He does it. Sad.
I was home, asleep, okay? It always goes out when I’m asleep. Many many people say that’s the best time for it to feed, when I’m asleep. Plus, I don’t like when it detaches, it hurts, so better I am sleeping. I can’t control it. It does what it does. It’s this thing called “demons”.
Did you know that there’s this thing called “demons” and such? Little guys, I don’t know, they look like guys, men maybe, with horns and teeth – the BEST teeth.
And they come to you and they say, “Hey, I’m Billy and I’m going to live in your hair.”
They just come and say it. Then, do it. I was like, “you can’t! It’s my hair!”
But he doesn’t leave, with his little horns, and next thing you know – BOOM – there he is, in my hair. Just there, and I am like, “wow what can I do,” you know?
So the guys with the sunglasses that follow me, they take him out. Usually Miller goes with them, begs to go with them. Weird little guy, into weird little guy stuff. Don’t think he gets laid much, so he goes.
It’s always blondes. Always. It needs to match the hair, you know? Wrong color and I am out there talking to millions, it’s embarrassing, so, always blondes. He gets weak, Billy, and it fades, the hair, and like I said, millions come to see me. Millions.
Fire Marshal is like, “We can’t fit them all, Sir.”
And I say, “You have to, you just have to. Did you see the map? My map?”
And then, they know they have to fit them all. They know. And he, he knows I need to look good, so he goes out, with the sunglass men and the little weirdo, and finds them, the hookers.
He sucks it through the face, the color, or blood, I don’t know. Very scientific. And you know, the face, it’s their worst part, the hookers, so he does it there, the sucking. Steve told me, before I fired him, how they do the sucking. Steve has a few himself, the little guys, in his boils, one in his nose. One even took his penis. Many people don’t know that, that Bannon has no penis. It’s why he’s so angry looking all the time, and red. Not an alcoholic, just no penis. I’d be mad if the demons ate my penis, wouldn’t you? Why live, amiright? It wouldn’t be able to eat mine in one sitting, though. Huge.
So it goes and finds them, finds her. She’s working the corners, pulling in the men, the cash. And the little horn guy, Billy, will say, “That’s the one.”
You don’t see the horns when he’s in there, in the hair. Hides them like a little crab in a BEAUTIFUL shell.
“That’s the one,” he’ll say, and the sunglass men pull up in the black trucks.
This is what he tells me, you know, I’m not there. I’m home in bed, minding my business, dreaming the best dreams, making the best dream deals with the sandman, okay?
He tells me, the sunglass men pull up in the truck. Weird little Miller in the backseat, masturbating. For the record, I’ve never seen him masturbate. Again, this is what he tells me, Billy. I’ve seen Miller eat a few rats, but never masturbate.
I say, “Wow, masturbating. Sad!” but he goes and he does that while they get them, or get her.
They pull up, she gets in, they drive off, and when he’s full they dump her somewhere.
This is all the priest’s fault, really, if you think about it. Mike always has them around. He loves them and Jesus, you know? So he has them around, everywhere, all the time.
Just walking and sitting in rooms and I see them, just there, always waiting for Mike and his wife.
They fuck through a sheet, you know that? Mike and his wife, they fuck through a sheet. Billy told me. Sleep in different beds, too. Sometimes I try and make Mike smell an intern’s hair when the old lady isn’t around. He did it, once, but then went home and hit himself in front of the mirror with a rope-ball. Ever seen one of those? Just a rope-ball, a “knot”, I think they call it. Hits himself with it. Him and Miller, weird stuff.
But the one priest, he got snoopy, or felt Billy, or something. Kept looking up at it, the hair, like he knew. I think that’s just natural, for their priest powers to kick in around the little horn guys, so he followed that night, with the hooker that was found. They were usually good with hiding them, the hookers, but were in a rush because someone put in a call to the cops. The priest did, at least that’s what Billy said.
So, a few nights later, they went to his house, a little apartment, very boring and ugly. Did you know, they live IN the church? I didn’t. I thought, shouldn’t that make it harder for them to get the kids? I don’t know, you’d think, right? He was weird, the priest, but I don’t think he touched kids, though. I know, from the circles I ran in, what kid touchers look like, okay? He wasn’t one. Just really liked Jesus, like Mike.
What can you do? He followed. He knew. They found the girl. It was a real mess he left us with. Well, not me, I was asleep. He left it with them, you know, Billy, the sunglass men, and little weirdo Miller. So, they go to the church, his apartment. Miller has the hair, Billy, in a beautiful pet carrier, just the most wonderful carrier. The priest knew. They said he begged or prayed, whatever it is they do. And that was that, they let him out and now the priest is dead.
Now, there’s a trail and I wake up and what could I do? He wouldn’t leave me. I was stuck, so I say, “no more.”
He doesn’t care. I suggest maybe he can eat a few hamburgers. We had a couple leftover from a party we threw.
“The cheese is yellow, won’t that work?” I ask.
“No,” he says.
I tell him that I’m the boss, ask him if he’s seen the map, my map, or the crowds? Still doesn’t care. Not even about the MAP! Just bad stuff, so I ask him to lie low, what could I do? I get him to agree, but now the hair, it’s fading, and I have to go speak to the most people a person has ever spoken to in the history of mankind. Three stadiums full of people, and weak hair? Not an option. And that’s when things got ugly.
Whenever Ivanka was in the room, I could feel him, moving and shaking. She’s a blonde, you know? My daughter, Ivanka, she’s a blonde, okay? Prime. Perfect. He knew that. Everyone can see it, that she’s beautiful. Too beautiful for him. He got angry I wouldn’t let him have her. I mean, if I can’t suck her face, why should he get to, you know? Very unfair, but I’m always treated unfairly. Many people say I’m treated the most unfairly. And I thought it was just the media, but now my own hair? I had to put a stop to it.
I offer him Kellyanne. Already looks like she’s been face sucked, so nobody would know the difference. We could just prop her up, pretend she isn’t dead, okay? He refuses. I get it. I would, too.
He tells me it has to be my beautiful daughter. She’s the only blonde and he was hungry. It was fading, the hair. So, last night, I had enough. I waited, made the little guy think I was asleep. Very smart on my part, if you ask me, to pretend I was asleep. Not many people would have thought to do that, but many people don’t have my brain. So, I’m there, fake snooze and all. He falls for it and detaches. It hurts, did you know it hurts? But, I’m strong, thick skin. I didn’t cry.
He crawls out of my bed and across the floor, to the door. That’s how you get out of a room, you know? You use a door. He uses it and moves down the hall. I follow him all the way, okay? Shame I had to do it, because watching him move, just very glorious. But, I follow it to little masturbator’s room, down in the basement. Easier for Miller to catch his dinner, if he’s down there, closer to the drainpipes. Plus, he freaks me out. Keep him as far away, I tell the staff. But, for the rats, he has traps; you see where this is headed, with the hair, the little horn guy, Billy?
Miller offered to eat it, but I only like masturbators that don’t eat hair. So, I set one of the rat catchers just inside the room. BING, BONG, BOOM, he’s trapped and screaming to be set free. Before the little son-of-a-bitch could say another word, I lit a match and threw it in the trap. I use a lot of product, so he went up fast! A beautiful blaze! Big, HUGE flames!
And now, you’re here. Just another witch hunt, when, to be honest, I’m a hero, and should be treated like one, okay? I sacrificed so much, practically everything, and you don’t care. You come ready to treat me as unfairly as the little guy did, but what was I supposed to do? No father should have to be left to fantasize about fucking his daughter if she’s dead. That’s just sick! Sad, really. So, take me away if you have to, and tell the sunglass men I will miss them…
“Sir, we’re just here to fix the heat.”
T.J. McGowan is an Associate Producer for commercial and film by day and a wannabe poet/writer any other waking moment he can get. His debut collection of poetry “We Are Not One Thing” was released in September 2016, and can be found on Amazon for purchase. He is currently working on his debut fiction novel, as well as an upcoming poetry chapbook, “The Anatomy of Us: A Dissection”(release date TBD). Beyond that, you can catch his daily brain dumpings and free write poetry on Instagram @theeverydaybite.