Collective Unrest

 

18 Secrets Stolen from Lindsey Graham’s Diary for Potential Blackmail

November 13, 2019

1. Lindsey Graham watches Game of Thrones, but only for the dragons.

2. Lindsey Graham is still mad that his mom made him burn his Iron Butterfly records with the rest of his youth group In 1972.

3. Lindsey Graham has always wanted a pony. Not a horse—he’s had a horse—but a pony. They could hang out and he could brush the pony and feed the pony carrots and maybe teach it to fetch. Lindsey isn’t sure if a pony can be taught to fetch but he is certain that if it can be done he is the man to do it.

4. Or maybe one of those giant Scottish rabbits.

5. Lindsey Graham has been working on a spy novel since his second year of law school but he can’t decide whether it should have dragons or not and he thinks probably yes. He hopes to finish the novel when he retires.

6. Lindsey Graham has been to California. And he liked it.

7. Lindsey Graham is having an affair. With himself. He’s just really enjoying his me time. Other people have all these hobbies and Lindsey deserves a nice bubble bath and some candles and a Stevie Nicks record every now and then. The youths call it “dating yourself” and “self care” and he can’t say it’s a bad idea.

8. Lindsey Graham was actually vegetarian for two months in 1980.

9. Lindsey Graham believes in climate change and is super concerned for future generations and wow there’s an island of actual trash in the Pacific Ocean and should the U.S. try to claim that as a territory?

10. Lindsey Graham is afraid of Big Bird. Also Grover but for different reasons.

11. Lindsey Graham re-bought those Iron Butterfly albums on CD in 1988 but has never unwrapped them.

12. Once when Mitch McConnell fell asleep at a meeting, Lindsey Graham and an intern spent a half an hour seeing how many oyster crackers they could fit in McConnell’s neck flaps.

13. Lindsey Graham has used a fork and knife to eat fried chicken.

14. Twice.

15. Lindsey Graham was hospitalized when he was eleven after he tripped over third base which was actually just a Frisbee someone squished into the dirt but anyway he broke his nose and thank God nobody has any pictures. It was a rough summer.

16. Rachel Maddow has stopped taking phone calls from Lindsey Graham’s people and if he’s being honest it really hurts his feelings.

17. Lindsey Graham read 50 Shades of Grey and he didn’t really get the book but he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it because he’s Lindsey Graham.

18. Lindsey Graham has perjured himself at least once and it was about a sandwich and he can’t even bring himself to write about it. You wouldn’t understand.


Based in Austin, TX, E. Kristin Anderson is the author of nine chapbooks, including A Guide for the Practical Abductee, Pray, Pray, Pray: Poems I wrote to Prince in the middle of the night, 17 seventeen XVII and Behind, All You’ve Got (forthcoming). Kristin is a poetry reader at Cotton Xenomorph and an editorial assistant at Sugared Water. Once upon a time she worked nights at The New Yorker.

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